Grieving something that was taken away in an instant with no warning, no preparation, and no guidebook on how to handle it holds a specific kind of ache. That’s what grieving yourself feels like. One day you realize that you don’t recognize yourself anymore. You’re not only adjusting to an illness that impacts your day to day life, but you’re also adjusting to a person you never knew you had to meet. 

Your reflection becomes a stranger. We’re always told to not take our health for granted, but you truly don’t understand the magnitude of that statement until something is impacting your health. As the years pass, it seems as the person I once was feels further and further away. Not only does your health change, you change. Your relationships become different, day to day life changes, your career is at risk, you lose interest in things you once loved, and your mental and emotional well-being takes a hit. This diagnosis not only came with pain, but with changes I could have never prepared for. 

I look in the mirror and do not recognize the person looking back. I look at old pictures and grieve the girl that was once so full of life and light, who was so happy. The girl that didn’t have to constantly cancel plans or choose between fun or a pain flare. The girl who could get up and go without second thought. The girl who didn’t wake up every morning praying for a tolerable pain day. The girl whose confidence wasn’t shattered. 

This grief is smothering. It feels impossible to get out of. As the years pass, the grief grows. The girl I miss continues to drift further away and my grip feels to be slipping.

As I approach a new year, I can’t help but to think of that 27 year old girl who had no idea her life would change so drastically just one month after her birthday. She didn’t know that was the last birthday where she would truly feel like herself. Even though I am grateful for another year of life, grateful that God has kept me through every battle, I would be lying if I said the grief isn’t impacting me this year. I’m afraid of things getting worse instead of better because that’s all the last four years have shown me. 

This year my wish is simple, I wish to find that girl again. I know I’ll never be who I once was, the battles I’ve faced changed me in more ways than I can say, but I need my spark back. I crave the happiness I once had, I crave the version of me that didn’t feel broken. 

So to the girl who has endured more than she could ever imagine; who had to be strong through every doctors appointment that left her in tears, through surgeries that took more and more away, through hearing “it’s cancerous”, through dismissals, minimizations, and debilitating pain that no one seems to understand. Your spark will return, you will find yourself again, and you will rise from this. Happiest of birthdays to me.